Wednesday, April 02, 2014

I Have to Believe…..

     There is so much sadness going on .
I have to believe it will get better.

      There is so much death in my life.
I have to believe it will get better.

     Sometimes I feel the crazy never ends, the UPS the DOWNS, the blows don't stop
I have to believe it will get better.

     Always waiting for the other shoe to drop…and It always drops..
I have to believe it will get better.

    The Spring is here..the birds are chirping, the buds are popping through
It WILL get better

    My family is loved, they love me unconditionally, UPS and DOWNS
It IS getting better
    My love is my love FOREVER
It is the BEST.

Wednesday, February 05, 2014

It's that time again....

Its the worst time of the year again. February. I hate it. Seriously. Even though its the shortest month, its the saddest for me. (Although November is now a close 2nd)
My mom's 5year anniversary of her death is Feb 6th and my Mother in Laws 10th is Feb 12.
They were both great people, and loved so much, and taken way to soon.

My plans for my moms day is to go to a M.D. appt I have and then go by the cemetery, which is covered in snow now. My sister thinks its peaceful, I find it gloomy.
I find this whole crappy month gloomy actually.

There has been a lot of snow, and that includes sledding from my kids.
So if their happy, I'm
happy (sort of)

Tuesday, December 17, 2013


I'm feeling sideways,
Not up and down, like normal people feel.
Sideways. My world was flipped around when my dad died, and when it landed, it did not land straight up at all.
I feel like, i'm in a dream state, like I am going through the motions of life because I have to, but I'm not really doing it.
I'm sad. A Lot. I cry on a whim (which I hate)
I have pictures in my head of my dad on the couch, with a blanket over his head and body, just his legs and feet out.
I am terrified that it will happen again to someone I love.
I need to straighten up, and get back on track. I'm tired of being sad, and feeling like I have a void in my life, that can't be filled.
I'm just Sideways

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Daddy Oh Dad!!

                                                    Daddy oh Dad, what have you done
                                                       Where did you go to?
                                                        Where did you run?

                                                    We've spoken so briefly,
                                                      Hardly, at times

                                                     You were still my Daddy
                                                        You still were mine.
                                                      You left without a word,
                                                        Not one little goodbye

                                                       I can't believe you are not here...I can't
                                                            I can't try!

                                                      You left your family, your loved ones, your friends
                                                            Could this be it? Could this be the end?

                                                        I see you in my dreams,
                                                          Your voice in my head

                                                       I can't get you out
                                                         No proper GOODBYE was said.

                                                    I miss you're in my heart
                                                       Fly up to mom , and don't ever part!!


Monday, November 04, 2013

Bucket Lists...HUH?

      I don't particularly understand nor do I like Bucket Lists.
I believe they are way too much pressure on a person. (I also feel the same about New Year's Resolutions, which is why I don't make them.)

So let me get this straight, It's a list of things you want to do before you DIE...DIE.. what if you don't get to all of it? Does your remaining family members have to finish the list?? Cuz I'm not bungee jumping anywhere yo.
And every time you do something on the list, or think about the are thinking about DYING??
Here is MY bucket list..
1. Get all the laundry finished before the week ends, and the baskets refill. ( I will definately die before this happens, who am I kidding??)
2. Make it to my next nail appt. without breaking a nail
3. Make it through food shopping at Pathmark without seeing someone shopping in their pajamas
4. Hopefully live long enough to see my children go more than a day without fighting with each other..
5. Go to Target, Stick to the list, make it out under $100 (God willing)
6. Clean my house and let it remain that way for more that 2 days. (my kids may have to move out for that one.)

So that is my mini Bucket List. That. I can handle.
Do you have a bucket list?? Whats on it??

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Family and Summer...Great Mix

My Sister-in-Law and her kids came to visit in July. We had such a great time with them, that it made me very sad when they left. Usually I'm fine when family leaves, because they are usually on my nerves anyway. However, this visit made me sad because I realize how my kids don't have a lot of family around them.
My mom and mother in law, both are in heaven. My father is doing his own thing most of the time, as is my sister and niece. My Father-in-Law and his wife are around but his health isn't the greatest as of late. There are no other kids in the family besides my niece and nephew that are in Far Away Land Texas... :(  . They got along so well, and just blended like cousins should. My son LOVES my nephew and wants him to be his baby brother. My daughter took my niece under her wing, and bossed her around as only she can...

The rest of the summer went by so fast, it was ridiculous. Both kids had camp, which kept them very occupied, and off each others nerves for a while. The hubby had his baseball coaching, that kept him off my nerves for a while :) . We didn't go anywhere for vacation, just some beach trips, and went to Splish Splash. ( Do you wanna know how old you really are?? spend the day at Splish Splash!)

I am looking forward to the kids going back to school, just not the drama that goes along with it. But I am sad to see summer go..

Friday, July 05, 2013

Our 4 year Anniversary..

This summer has been busy so far, and the kids haven't even started camp yet. 
The Husband took on a position for assistant coach for a varsity baseball team. He loves it, but it certainly interferes with our life sometimes, Nick had baseball, and Sara had Soccer, any my work schedule changed AGAIN... (it's only July BTW)

For example out anniversary. Its July 3rd , and I was finally off from work, and could maybe celebrate ON THE DAY. That rarely happens . But, his team had a game, so alas. we are going to celebrate on Saturday, July 6. 
Dinner and a movie, it is. It could be sandwiches and netflix on his phone, as long as we were out of the house, alone, with NO kids, just ourselves. Our Married for 4 years, selves.
It seems much longer, but I guess, being that  we have been together for 13 yrs, (minus3), it has been longer.
 I have to say, this years road has been a rocky and winding one. (mainly because I was drunk all of the time, NO im kidding, not the whole time anyway.)

 We have had family drama, (as per the usual), new tenants move in, and a construction done in that house. ( money stress). Sickness, (his dad) and our own little relationship issue that I won't get into here. 
I would hope that it has made our marriage stronger, since we have been through just about everything a relationship can go through at this point.
I still Love and Adore him and our life.
4yrs doesn't seem like a long time, but in OUR case, it's a lifetime.